Ok so quick background:
Husband and I are filing for divorce.
We have 2 young boys (3 &6).
A main reason for the divorce is because of his lack of parenting/fathering.
He has been TDY for the last 6 weeks.
Before that, and when he gets back he will stay at his friends house, where kids are not welcome (idk why).

I want to set boundaries for when he comes back. Before he left, I would leave the house while he hung out with the kids. He continually went through my stuff, snooped on the computer, told the kids he was looking for something and then would go through my stuff, ect...all WHILE he was supposed to be spending time with the kids. I am not hiding anything-so that isn't the issue. It just makes me very uncomfortable.

If I stay in the house with him: I just end up taking care of the kids or listening to the kids cry while I'm locked away in my room.

I tried to ask him not to do stuff like that while I was gone, he just ignored me.

I would like to have the following rules:
NO overnight stays
When he visits the kids-he takes them somewhere else.

I mentioned this to him and his reply was that he doesn't have any plans and if i want him to take the kids somewhere I need to come up with a plan for him.

Which I could do very easily but I am supposed to stop doing stuff for him. It is no longer my responsibility. He needs to learn how to do it on his own. Especially since he hates how controlling I am!

So...are those rules me being a crazy mean to-be-ex, or are they reasonable requests?

I think it is reasonable, but also want to do what is best for my boys. On one side-allowing him to come over lets them see their dad in a comfortable place. Although it is usually just watching TV together. On the other side, it could be confusing and they always ask for him to stay longer and get hurt when he doesn't want to. Also it makes me stressed and that effects them later.

Open to suggestions! 

That's not asking to much. Kids need to go out and have some fun and interact with the parent they don't see everyday. And sitting at home with their dad for a few hrs is not the answer when he is going through your things and watching tv. If he cant come up with somethings to do with the kids then obviosuly he doesn't have a clue of how to be a parent!! I'm sorry that may be harsh but it doesn't take much to entertain a 3 and 6 yr old. Take them to the zoo, park, mall, go out to eat, go get ice, cream, go see a movie something that the kids are going to remember him as and not just this person they call dad. 

I think you are doing the right thing. As the previous poster said it is not hard to entertain and boys none the less. You can do it inexpensively as well. Taking them to the park playing ball and packing a lunch. He needs to do better. He should not snoop in your stuff. Good luck 

I think you are being very reasonable. He could take them out to eat to a place that has an indoor playground or something like that. Weather permitting he could take them to an outdoor playground and have a picnic or something. As stated, not hard to entertain kids that age and they are HIS kids too, he SHOULD be wanting to spend time with them. What's sad is there are so many fathers that can't see their kids for various reasons and would jump at the opportunity he has. 

It does not sound as if you are being mean, what will he do with them when he is in a state all alone with them and you live across the us if he cant even handle this now? If it makes you feel better maybe make a list of things both for free and or cheap for him and the kids to do and tell him to keepit in his pocket. Now as for the overnight visit, if it is in your home then no no over nights until he gets a place he can have the kids overnight with him in his own place 

aww thanks everyone. This makes me feel much better. :) I will keep to my rules. :) 

so he is saying that "it isn't fair because he doesn't have a "home base" and while he can take the kids someplace on the weekends. where can he take the kids for an hour on weekdays, after work (rainbows closes at 4)? And so maybe he just should not see the kids on the weekdays and this is all my fault. It is my fault that the kids don't get to see their dad."

what do i do? stand my ground? give in? ugh i feel guilty but I know if it was me I would come up with something. anything. even just sitting in the car would be worth it for me to see my children! 

Stand your ground I say. If he truly WANTS to see the kids, he will find a way. I think he knows how to get to you and sounds like he's trying to make you feel that way, but dont let him girl. 

I think it really isn't fair, if you live on post then he still has rights to go there. Technically, according to housing if he has the kids six months and 1 day a year he has rights to on post housing. To me he is looking out for the kids best interest by leaving them in a comfortable space that they are familiar with, even if it is just watching tv. You can be there with him and just stay in a different room.

Finding something after work to do with all this rain and cold is going to be hard. You want him to pay your bills and provide for your children, but yet you have to comprimise as well. That money to take the kids out a few times a week and weekends will add up real fast.
I grew up without a dad, so if my dad would have at least tried maybe I would feel different, but coming up with all these rules does interfere with the relationship between a child and their father, and can be viewed badly by the courts. If your divorce isn't final then I would work with him until you can get something with the courts written and permanent. 

I don't bend over backwards to help my ex when it's his turn to be with our kids. But I would also never set any boundaries that would limit their time together. If I was in your shoes, I'd just set up a schedule and leave the house when it's his turn to be with the kids. Go see a movie, stay with a friend, get a hotel room if he wants them overnight, etc. Just don't be around. That's how shared parenting works. When it's not your turn, you don't need to be there.

And are you certain he's actually snooping through your stuff? It's still technically his house too, so what if he's just looking for things that belong to him? If you just want him out of the house because you think he's snooping, well...that's a different story and sorry to say but yes that is being a brat lol! 

Good points above.

Get a advocte Lemondrop. Do not pull from here. Yeah listen but come on, we dont know your kids, you him. Shoot he could be much worse then what your willing to say here. You could be. Go get a court appointed family advocate. They interview ALL partys and help to make a great family plan. They have degrees in social work. Who the heck are we? 

And dude honestly.....if this man needs to be in your rear view......MOVE OFF POST ASAP. There are grants from the state for mom and children. But its your journey and its a painful one. We move on the 26th of this month. I can not wait to get out of this situation. And start my healing on my own with my amazing little guys. We deserve it! 

In the parenting plan that HE proposed, he asked for the kids for 2hours every Wednesday and the 1st and 3rd weekend. Not every other weekend. only the 1st and 3rd. so no, he won't get to stay in housing. I checked with housing and JAG. I would prefer him stay here (when i get an apt). I think it would be the best for the kids, a familiar place and all. but I guess it isn't allowed? not sure how housing would know but I guess that is the army for you.

But right now, he is choosing to stay with a friend. I have volunteered to move out to a cheaper place and he says if i did that he would stop helping with rent.

Details-I know he is snooping because only my underwear are in my underwear drawer and only my pjs and are in my pj drawer. and my son complains to me that DAD spent his whole time "looking for something" or "trying to figure out my password on the computer". That isn't fair to the kids. Like I said I have nothing to hide, and while it is annoying to have to refold everything..it isn't soley that. It is how unfair it is to the kids. at least when they are in a public place he tries to act decent.
And so the issue with me staying here is that then i get entangled into what is going on. I get asked to wipe butts, come play cuz dad is napping, make food, soothe a crying child. all things that I love doing, and would have no problem doing if it was only me. but the MAIN reason we are divorcing is because I am tired of being the only parent doing it, and it isn't fair for me to be helping him on his time. I also can't stand the way he ignores the kids, the way he disciplines, ect so it is hard for me not to interfere.

VolsChick-thank you for your opinion. I think you are right-if it is the only way he is willing to see the kids, then i should do what is best for the kids and make the compromise. we def need to figure something out.
I do think he could easily find something to do with them-but why should I expect something out of him that he has never done?

Myopinion-I would move tomorrow but am still trying to figure out if we are going to stay here or move by family. I know that we are moving for sure next summer but am now thinking about just moving over christmas break.
I wonder if JAG would help with figuring out what we should do?
Are family advocates free?
I don't want to be locked into a lease. 

Yes. Start on post by old madigan. Social services. Dude speak your mind. They will guide you. But you have spoken of his immaturity before. DO NOT LET A MAN CHILD MAKE SUCH IMPORTANT DECISIONS. 

And so the issue with me staying here is that then i get entangled into what is going on. I get asked to wipe butts, come play cuz dad is napping, make food, soothe a crying child. all things that I love doing, and would have no problem doing if it was only me. but the MAIN reason we are divorcing is because I am tired of being the only parent doing it, and it isn't fair for me to be helping him on his time. I also can't stand the way he ignores the kids, the way he disciplines, ect so it is hard for me not to interfere.

And that's exactly why you shouldn't be there. Let him grow up and figure out how to deal with it. Unless you feel like he's going to ignore them to the point their lives are in danger, in which case there should be some court order saying all his visits need to be supervised by someone else. But not you. And ya know, let him keep snooping if there's nothing to hide. It only shows his true nature. You can laugh about it because I'd bet money it irritates him when he doesn't find whatever he's looking for. If it were me I'd probably leave him little notes. :-) 

Its such a complicated issue. I wouldent ask my dentist to check out my heart. Point being, always seek good council. From those that are schooled and educated in the releavent ways. Good luck on your path to greatness. 

Supervised visitation won't nessissarly fix the problem my friend requested supervised visitation her ex failed to change the 2 kids in diapers the 4 hrs he had them. The went home with soaked through clothes and dire butts. All the supervisor does is suggests that he should go something which she did but he didn't do it. Also Downfall you have to find your own supervisor for the visitation such as friend or family member. Or alteady she had to. 

myopinion-wait, where do i go? is social services on post by old madigan?
today was absolutely ridiculous dealing with him. 

you need to come up with a plan for him? thats just plain ridiculous. if he wants the kids 2 hours a week he can come up with something to do with them for that amount of time. something that is not in your home rummaging through your things while ignoring them.

does he *not* understand why you split up? 

Yes. Its by the Fisher house. I got an Advocate. Mines been known to hit and throw FULL ON FITS. He WONT see his kids and trust me sometimes its easier on me. But my boys hurt over it still. Look, if hes not mature or well.....get as many people involved as possible. Yeah it sucks, but you got to become independent do not drag this on. 

A couple of other cheap activities...

There is the Children's Museum in downtown Tacoma that is pay by donation admission. Kids LOVE it there. Rainbows and Raindrops on base is also free. They have Saturday hours. Both places are very low cost/free. He can take the kids and play for a couple hours. There were also other ideas mentioed above too.

There is nothing wrong with you setting up boundaries for visits. Make a list of fun activities for him and let the kids choose if that works. You should not feel violated in your own home. He lost the right to know what you are doing when he moved out and wanted to be selfish instead a parent.